Oh, the world is such a miserable place. Sometimes I think I should just end...oh hey, didn't see you come in there. Well, here's another episode of Spongebob and Friends.

What is Spongebob and Friends, you may ask? To that, I answer, what, you didn't read my other recaps of this thing? Well, for those who missed my write-ups on Spongebob and Friends Go on the Quest for Camelot ([link]), Spongebob and Friends and Alice in Wonderland ([link]) and Spongebob and Friends Meet Robin Hood ([link]), here's the deal. This is a fan-edited series in the vein of Pooh's Adventures. Like the Pooh's Adventures take Disney movies and insert random clips of Winnie the Pooh to make it look like Pooh is participating in the movie's story, Spongebob and Friends takes a Disney movie and adds clips of Spongebob and other cartoon characters to make it look like they're participating in the movie's story. It also, however, tries to tell its own story; Spongebob has created an alliance of cartoon characters called the Shell Louge Squad where a lot of the members are reformed villains – the Lion King hyenas, Sir Hiss, Iago – and they're battling against the 'Villain Leage', a group of Disney baddies.

This series used to update quite regularly, but the creator, ol' Scroopfan3212311, had a problem with his computer and now it's on hiatus (he actually tried continuing the series with fanfiction – one with My Little Pony characters, no less. And here it is:  [link] It is said that only the wisest of the wise can comprehend that text.) He did still make a good number of episodes though. Terrible, hilarious episodes.

And what an episode we're looking at today. Spongebob and Friends Meet Hercules. They meet Robin Hood then they're meeting Hercules. It'll be Frankenstein and the Wolfman next.

Disney's Hercules was made during the company's dark period between The Lion King and The Princess and the Frog when their non-Pixar animated movies were mostly mediocre. Nonetheless, Hercules was a decent movie, thanks to the great performance of James Woods, and some nice-looking animation. Yeah, it did fuck up the Greek myths, and pretty much nicked stuff from Superman and Rocky, but that's what Disney does, what ya gonna do? Oddly enough though, the TV series it spawned was actually better than the movie. Can Spongebob and his chums add a bit more colour to this picture? Let's find out...

PART ONE:
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Oh booooooooooy. The first thing we see when watching this 'moisode' is a collage of the Villain Leage's members, with blocky white auras around them. And wait, is that Sauron? No, don't bring JRR Tolkien into this! Haven't his works suffered enough already?

Then we see Mirage, that evil cat lady from the 90's Aladdin cartoon. Okay, even forgetting there was a crossover between the two, Aladdin villains wouldn't look out of place in the Hercules universe, despite them being from different time periods. Oh, and it's a clip from that 'Eye of the Beholder' episode too! Oh goody! That episode was apparently included in a Disney Princess DVD and it scared the crap out of little girls cos it had Jasmine turning into a snake monster thing! Maybe this isn't off to a bad start after all.

Some old blind dude is talking to Mirage about how much she sucks because she's evil and how awesome love is. To illustrate the awesomeness of love he conjures up a vision of...Spongebob and Sandy. And Sandy karate-chops Spongebob in the brain. A powerful portrayal of emotion if I ever saw one. This could have worked were it a joke, but it's the catalyst for Mirage's evil plot so I guess they're playing it straight.

And because Mirage is a Disney villain, she has a song to sing. Not just any song either. 'Snuff Out the Light', Yzma's deleted song from The Emperor's New Groove. It was deleted because it no longer fit the plot, and apparently was meant to be included in a DTV sequel, but Yzma's voice actor, Eartha Kitt, died before it could be made. It's a pretty catchy number too, so yeah, perhaps this is off to a good start then.

And Mirage isn't alone. Joining her in her number are Jafar, some Digimon with a toy hanging from his crotch (I'm not that well-versed in Digimon-ology) , the Flying Dutchman (because Spongebob, is indeed, in the title), Dr Facilier (oh, him), Plankton (because Spongebob etc) and Ratigan from The Great Mouse Detective. Well, the Shell Louge are fucked. Having Vincent Price and Eartha Kitt on your team is sure to tip the scales in your favour. Then again, the Louge do have Gilbert Gottfried, and his voice is quite the lethal weapon.

The villain hullabaloo concludes with another shot of their crappy collage, complete with an evil laugh. Then...pirates. Yes, pirates. And I'm not just talking the quality of the clip, either. The pirates have found a treasure chest with tickets for the Spongebob Squarepants Mov...I mean, Spongebob and Friends Meet Hercules. Yes, Scroopfan thinks this is good enough to show in theatres, and that bloodthirsty scoundrels are dying to see it on the big screen. Can't argue with that.

Well, one thing I can say in this 'moisode's' favour so far is that it has more relation to Spongebob then other moisodes. I mean, in the first ten minutes we've had Spongebob and Sandy's relationship inspire the villain, Plankton and the Flying Dutchman and a clip from the Spongebob movie. So that's something.

Then our movie du jour begins. The narrator talks about ancient Gree...oh wait, Scroopfan changed it so the narrator's talking about 'the first cartoonian war'. Yes, would you believe that's something that's constantly alluded to throughout this series? It's like that near-apocalypse thing in the DCAU, I guess. And I'm sorry, but the narration loses some of its power when it's mostly made up of barely readable text.

Then we get the Muses, and yes, some of their lines are replaced by subtitles too. In fact, when they do their opening song, it sometimes mutes to make it seem like the subtitles are part of the song. So instead of 'Titans', they 'sing' of 'Darkspawn'. Instead of 'It was a nasty place', it's 'Those guys real nasty demons'.

And subtitles are added to the opening credits too. It's not only Walt Disney Pictures, it's Supervideomaniac and Scroopcorp (god I hope he never runs a real business)!  The Hercules title gets a little 'Spongebob and friends meet' in front of it. Anyway, it's the birth of Hercules and...

The Road to El Dorado.  A song and dance number from The Road to El Dorado. So, I guess this means more screaming like little girls? I can't wait!

And with the many cartoons joining the song and dance, I guess this means the Shell Louge are on Mount Olympus, despite the fact that they're all mortal. Well, maybe that's not true. Spongebob is one of those cartoon characters who could survive getting run over by a steamroller, so maybe that's kinda like immortality, I guess.

So then we have non-adulterous Zeus and kind Hera look at how cute Baby Hercules is. Hercules then throws a lightning bolt and it hits Iago. Iago survives, so maybe the Louge are worthy of being on Olympus after all.

The first part ends with everyone's favourite character, Hades, making his appearance.

PART TWO:
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Oh fuck no. When Hercules crushes Hades' finger, there's that horrid laugh montage. A bunch of clips of the annoying laughter of Spongebob and his chums. And there's a few extra laughs in there for good measure. And if it appears once in a Spongebob and Friends episode, you can be sure it'll appear a few hundred times more.

So Hades goes back to the Underworld, and calls upon his minions Pain and Panic. But since this is a crossover, he also calls on a few more help. Like...Etemon! That monkey-like Digimon with the toy on his crotch! He sounds like Elvis and can control electricity.

'Commandos!' Hades bellows, and by 'Hades bellows', I mean 'says the text on the screen as a clip of Hades yelling plays'. Then comes the guys from Atlantis, but nobody cares about Atlantis. 'Card family!' Yes, the card guys from Alice in Wonderland, who do the March of the Cards bit. Hades even 'thinks', 'This number again? why did i even reserect the queen of hearts?' Yes, why did you? My face matches his as the cards enter. Why even include this? The movie is already feature-length so there's no need for filler, and there are no hedges in the Underworld. The Queen appears, however, and the bad guy from Atlantis suddenly has the White Rabbit's voice.

'Tzekel-Kan!' and the bad guy from El Dorado appears.  'Facilier!' and there's Facilier. 'Blowhole!' and there's that evil dolphin from The Penguins of Madagascar. 'Tai Lung!' 'Max Salmon!' 'Hunters!' Wait...the Frog Hunters from The Princess and the Frog? I doubt they'd be helpful for any villain, let alone the God of the Dead, but I suppose the same can be said for most of these guys. I mean, that bad lion from Madagascar? A lot of these guys come from movies and cartoons that weren't even that good! And the Queen wasn't even that much a bad guy! Where's Jafar and Ratigan?

So now here's the scene where Hades meets the Fates. It goes more or less as it did in the original except for some extra reaction shots from the villains. When Hades fetches the mortal potion – no I'm not going to talk about why doesn't he use it on Zeus or whatever – however, two Digimon good guys are listening in. How they got into the Underworld I have no clue, but these two are with the Shell Louge Squad so they go off to warn them.

So I suppose the Squad will know Hades is going to attack. They have the Furious Five from Kung Fu Panda on their team, who could easily kick the crap out of Pain and Panic, so with them on Olympus, Hercules is safe and sound and will live a fulfilling life on Mount Olympus...oh wait, there are more parts of this thing. And I forgot the Shell Louge haven't got a very good track record from what I've seen.

Sure enough, the Louge are still on Olympus, and are being told the situation. Hell, the Digimon good guy, called Sora (girl)....yes, the subtitles call her Sora (girl), parentheses included. You know, because the Kingdom Hearts Sora is on the Louge. Anyway, she has a flashback to when she spied on the Underworld, and her flashback includes Hades calling Pain and...oh no, we're not getting the roll call again, are we? I wouldn't put it past Scroopfan.

Oh no, we don't. Thank God. The Louge talk to each other in text I mostly can't read, but from what I gather, they're saying that the Titans are the spawn of Hexxus. That's right, the Ferngully guy. Vincent Price, Eartha Kitt and Tim Curry. The Villain Leage have it all.

Then Fidget from The Great Mouse Detective...yes, he's on the team too, says that he's locked the 'enterence', except...wait, Crane's suddenly voiced by Vincent Price? Anyway, Fidget accidentally let in Pain and Panic while guarding the gates. Well, the Louge were just asking for it. I mean, letting a little bat guard the gates of fucking Mount Olympus, when they have a team of highly-trained kung fu masters, a panther and a trio of hyenas?

Indeed, Master Shifu has a good go at Fidget, allowing Fidget to briefly talk like Jack Black, right before Sora (female) and Cynder shush him.  Shifu then says Fidget must do something 'incredable' in order to be forgiven. Ooh, will he redeem himself, I'm so excited and curious.

So baby Hercules is kidnapped. Fat lot of good the Shell Louge are.

So Pain and Panic turn Hercules mortal, right as a giant green parrot descends from the heavens. Thundra the Rainbird, also from the Aladdin TV series. She chases away Pain and Panic, as well as the Frog Hunters...really? You let them go to Mount Fucking Feckin DRINK DRINK Olympus? To capture a GOD? Moreover, the Shell Louge Squad got their asses handed to them by comic relief baddies? Zeus may want to consider a better hero team to guard his family. I've heard good things about the Avengers.

PART THREE:
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So Iago comes in to see what all the hoo-haw is about, and after being cuddled by Thundra – yes, they were a couple of sorts in the show – he notices that Hercules is mortal. Well, no problem, if Iago can hang out on Mount Olympus, Hercules could still live there. He might get picked on by the other God kids, but still, Mount Olympus.

Actually, Cynder says that only gods can live on Mount Olympus. Then how were the Louge able to spend so much time there? And of course, Fidget gets the blame for his 'incomindents'. Well, whoever allowed him to guard the gate without backup is 'incomindent' too, if you ask me. Tigress rises to Fidget's defence and...YOU'RE A HIGHLY-TRAINED MARTIAL FUCKING ARTIST WHY THE FUCK WEREN'T YOU GUARDING THE GATES GO YIFF IN HELLIRQGFUGRIOFHI

Then comes the Superman ripoff where those  two adopt Hercules as their son, and Hercules beats up Pain and Panic. And through the magic of subtitles, the Louge commentate on this whole scene. And they decide to help the couple in raising Hercules. So, they're going to stay with some Greek family for eighteen years when the villain leage are still out and about? Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

That duck from Kung Fu Panda flies up to Olympus to tell Zeus the bad news and...hold up, there's guards? Muscular, competent guards? Ones that could have easily beat up Pain and Panic and the Hunters? Oh, for the love of.

Later, we see Hercules all grown up and pulling the wagon, and yes, it seems the Louge really did hang out with him for eighteen years. And they haven't fired Fidget! They even allow him to make a 'The Jetsems reference'.  And Sam and Max address a little plot hole; Max asks how come Hercules grew up when they stayed the same and Sam says 'Either the mircies of cartoon magic so we don't have to wait years to see an exciting event or people just grow faster in this world'. So maybe they didn't spend eighteen years with some Greek couple and their adopted son, but rather Hercules grew up in a millisecond thanks to the 'mircies' and here we are. Well, it's a cartoon and cartoons are dumb, so what ya gonna do?

When Hercules makes the mule go up in the air, there's a good old Goofy holler. A trademark of this series. Well, a trademark of Disney actually, but copyright infringement is the soul of the internet.

Oh, look the El Dorado guys. Okay, Miguel and Tulio. They're having a good old gamble. I thought this was a family movie; we can't have the main characters gambling! What would the kids think? Anyway, one of the locals is betting a map to a place where Merlin apparently is residing. Miguel and Tulio take up the bet as Merlin knows where the kidnapped Princesses of Heart – remember the end of the Alice in Wonderland one - and the Mountains of Malefor are. Lazy wizards. They could just appear in front of the heroes and tell them what they  need to know, but no, they have to be found. And they say it has to do with 'worthiness' or some crap.

So, the two get the map. And a bull makes Hercules knocks over the pillars. Wow, Ancient Greece sure looks like Spain.

We even get a little message from the creator himself. 'No bulls or other animal acters or human acters were harmed in the making of this move, so get off my back ASPCA.' Isn't he caring? Gotta appreciate a man who looks out for his 'acters'.

PART FOUR
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So Hercules has just totalled a number of buildings and everyone is rightfully pissed off. But thank Heavens that Icky – that bird thing from the Land Before Time – has a solution. He knows Emperor Kuzco!

Yes, the guy from the Emperor's New Groove.

Yeah, a Land Before Time character is friends with him.

There was a Spongebob and Friends Meets the Emperor's New Groove, and in that, Icky was chums with Kuzco. You know, despite him being from Prehistoric times. But as long as he can offer that lot 'exsoic props' then that doesn't matter. And the vase salesmen says 'All is forgiven.'

Yeah, who needs conflict? That destruction was supposed to make Hercules unsure of himself, and it loses that power when a victim is all 'hey, no biggie.' Then Hiccup from How to Train Your Dragon - that's here too, deal with it – says, 'That was anticlimactic.' So, the same school of thought new Simpsons has.

Hercules still mopes about the incident, but all is not lost; the Louge still have their map. As they cheer, Hercules still whines, wishing he could be 'loved and revered and resected' like the Louge are. Oh come on. It's not like they deserve that adoration. Many of the members once helped evil villains in their plans, and of course, they buggered up protecting you when you were a baby. Plus, who the hell would want to be like Spongebob Squarepants? He's a twat.

Then there's the 'Go The Distance' number, and the Louge oddly stay silent, for at least the first verse. Then Hercules comes back to his house and 'Fishlegs' (is he one of the Madagascar penguins, I dunno and I don't care) prepared for a journey. Not only do they have food, but the 'dragons are set'. Good for them, I guess?

So Herc's adopted parents talk about how they found him, yet the Louge never tell him about being Zeus' son. Guess it's to cover their backs. I dunno why they're bothering, considering Zeus knows about their failure. They might as well confess – it'll feel like a weight lifted off their backs. They'd likely get pummelled to death, but they'd still feel a little relieved.

When Hercules goes to Zeus' temple, the heroes all accompany him at the risk of getting blasted by Zeus' thunderbolts. Iago promises the parents that they'll keep Hercules safe from 'troublesome danger'. As opposed to welcome danger? And why would he need protecting? He's as strong as twenty fucking men. He can handle himself.

Then the stalwart heroes trek to the temple as the next verse of 'Go the Distance' plays, complete with thrilling clips of the courageous Louge members...walking. When they reach the temple, the penguins sneak around, and then we learn that the temple has a gift shop. Well, if there's a pro with using Disney's Hercules as your template, it's that one can get away with more anachronisms.

So the Zeus statue comes to life, with some HIGH-LARIOUS reactions from the Louge. Hiss says it looks like a beautiful reunion, but then Hercules screams and runs away, to which Hiss says 'Nevermind.' HAHAHAHAHAHA. Sam points out...what Zeus is! HAHAHA!

Zeus, having forgiven the Louge for allowing his son to come to harm, tells Hercules to find Phil, and we get the return of the treasured Goofy holler! Or at least...half of it. Hercules falls off Zeus' hand, the Goofy holler begins, but it ends halfway through when Hercules is caught. Geez, you don't have to use it every time someone falls, Scroopfan. Have some restraint.

Then Pegasus appears, and Brandy and Mr. Whiskers....when did they get here? I know they joined the Louge in Quest for Camelot, but here they just appeared out of nowhere. That's the problem with having so many characters to juggle; sometimes they just seem to appear and disappear at random.

Speaking of which, here's Marlene from The Penguins of Madagascar! Her sudden appearance, however, is explained: 'Sudden and temporary zoo transfer'. Whatever you say. Oh, it's because weird things are happening in New York. I guess her zoo is in the Marvel Universe.

Oh wait, Sam and Max notice buffalo and bison raining in New York, a clip from the episode where they met Zeus...oh wait. Since Sam and Max met Zeus before, and he looked nothing like Disney's Zeus, this may make things a little complicated. But wait, Shifu knows what's going on. It turns out the cosmos can't recognise Hercules' 'god energy', so the 'boundaries of the banish realm weaken'....or...something...

Actually I think chaos being caused because of Hercules' mortality is an idea that has some potential. It might explain away the plothole of why Hades didn't use the potion on Zeus – getting rid of the head god's 'energy' might have caused destruction on a grand scale – and would add a bit more conflict to the ending where Herc has to choose between Olympus and Earth. But I'm giving Scroopfan too much credit.

Shifu says that the dark spawn will escape, but not right away. I dunno, it's been about sixteen to eighteen years without 'god energy'. That is quite a lot of time.

So Hercules is off to find Phil, and the Louge follow. How, you may ask? They have a flying van. Of course, all wacky hero teams have to have one of those. In fact, with the added clips and stuff, this is a bit like the typical goofy action cartoon. The villains plot something before the opening credits roll, and Spongebob partying with Zeus I guess is kinda like the goofy action team hanging out in their hideout eating pizza and playing video games before evil strikes. And they have a van. The members with the power of flight, however, fly after the van. Sam and Max even have jetpacks which Icky gave them. So, is Icky this team's Q? I suppose so.

So, to Phil's island. Spyro, yes he's here too, says this island shouldn't be inhabited, even though the whole reason they came to the island was to find an inhabitant. They find Phil, and thus we learn what the full roster for this episode is. Brandy and Mr. Whiskers, Sam and Max, Lola Boa, Ed the Otter, the Madagascar foursome, Alex's mum and dad, Squidward, Spongebob and Patrick, Kaa from The Jungle Book, Mr. Krabs, Shifu and the Furious Five, Po the Panda, Sandy the Squirrel, Mushu from Mulan, Iago, Bagheera and Baloo, Icky, the Penguins, Sir Hiss, Spyro, Sparx and Cynder, Max the cat, Fidget, Devon and Cornwall from Camelot and Batty Koda, rap and all. Few things have changed since the aforementioned Camelot, I see. Indeed, like one part of Camelot, the part ends with the rap halfway over.

PART FIVE:
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With the Batty Rap over, more members introduce themselves. A bunch of Digimon guys – Tai, Sora (not a male), Matt, Izzy, Mimi, TK and Joe – Miguel and Tulio, a bunch of Wonderland guys – Dodo, Tweedles, White Rabbit, Bill, March Hare, Mad Hatter and the Dormouse – Dr. Cockroach, Missing Link, BOB and Ginormica from Monsters Vs Aliens (really, every single Dreamworks movie? I didn't think anyone really liked MvA), Thundra, and...the Jackrabbit from Home on the Range. Wow, that's a lot of members. And all those people couldn't stop five dumb henchmen from kidnapping Hercules? Not even when they have a fifty foot tall woman and kung fu masters? And oh, no hyenas. Maybe they got tired of this series.

So, all those members can somehow fit in Phil's head, and they believe his collection of memorabilia 'puts an attic to shere shame'. Phil talks about his failures, and then Iago asks if he knows Merlin. Wait, what? They have the map to his world, why would they need to ask Phil for information? Nonetheless, sad music plays, and Phil exposits. Phil knew Merlin apparently, and Merlin told Phil to train heroes to combat Malefor and the villain leage. Yeah, let's connect Phil and Merlin. Because why not. The exposition is told in subtitles, but imagining Danny DeVito reading out all that confused crap made my day.

So Phil begins his song, and thanks to some editing, Thundra now shocks him instead of Zeus. Maybe Zeus was out in the form of a cow somewhere, I dunno. So Phil sings his song, and the Louge interfere with clips and subtitles. There was one moment I liked, when Herc throws the daggers and there's a clip of Squidward pinned to a wall; then I actually kinda believed the characters were interacting.

When the song ends, Sam talks about how 'cartoon magic' made Herc 'muslie bound'. No, it was Phil's training, you dumb dog. I don't care if you are awesome, you've not got your head screwed on right today.

With Hercules' training complete, he and Phil go off to Thebes, and...suddenly Miguel and Tulio. They're off adventuring, and as they are, the screen is all grainy and sepia-y. So, is this a flashback? I dunno.

Sam and Max are there too, and a hippy gives them a ride to a Digimon city...but weren't they looking for Merlin or some shit. Oh, screw this, I'm fast-forwarding until they resume the Hercules bits...

PART SIX:
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So the epic quest of Miguel, Tulio, Brandy, Whiskers and Sam and Max continue, all with that sepia effect. Oh, old Sam and Max clips, you amuse so.

PART SEVEN:
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The sepia stuff ends with Icky asking about the evil puppet that was released during it, but Megara screams before we get an explanation. So, I guess the sepia stuff was Sam telling a story like he did in Camelot, but what was the point of putting it there?

Now we have the centaur fight scene. One of the How to Train... guys says the centaur's trying to mate with Megara because as Cornwall says, there are few female centaurs around. Lovely. But Batty theorises he may need someone to 'prative' on. Looovely. Spongebob jokes that Meg no longer has to walk to the 'grossi store'. Loo...wha?

Aaand the Shell Louge are doing the old Pooh's Adventures technique of pointing out the obvious. Phil says that Hercules is storming in without thinking and that's a bad thing but Sam says 'so much for a well thought-out and calculated plan'. Oh, and Banjo Tooie music. Yay. Didn't think anyone remembered that game.

The centaur fight has some new music and sound effects but more or less progresses as it did in the unedited movie. As Hercules talks to Meg, Fidget reveals they are looking for Merlin and Shifu...pummels him for revealing information to someone they just met. Po says to Shifu 'One mistake with the key was all it took for you to be a jerk?' Well, if that mistake led to an infant almost dying...

Then Po and Shifu have a deep and powerful argument about a one-legged bat and Cats Don't Dance.

PART EIGHT:
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Po is Doctor Phil now. He says Shifu is acting the way he is because he feels regretful over letting Alice get kidnapped in Wonderland. And he begs for Fidget to be forgiven. Still, if I had a part to play in a villain's plan almost succeeding, I'd bang my head against the wall in self-loathing every morning at least.

Shifu won't forgive Fidget, so Meg leaves because 'Misfit el dramio is over'. And I'm glad it is. So she goes off into the spooky woods to meet Hades and his boys, all with a nice swanky tune playing in the background. So Meg tells about what happened and now not only does Hades know Herc is alive, but that the Louge have the map to Merlin. Well, I don't think Fidget is going to be forgiven any time soon. Sucks to be him.

I think Scroopfan has some good taste in music. He adds some new music to the scene where Hades yells at Pain and Panic, and it's pretty nice, but sadly it drowns out the dialogue. Well, anyway, Hades has vowed to kill Hercules, dun dun dun, let's go to Thebes.

As the Louge and Herc go to the 'Big Olive', Icky notes that he has a cousin who lives here. I'm guessing Icky and his family are Timelords. Ooh, gotta post that on TVTropes. And Icky's cousin does live here – he's Icky with pink crap painted over him and backwards question marks floating above his head. And he's called Tzzy.

When an old dude says he's moving to Sparta, guess what happens. If you've been on the internet in the last few minutes, you'll probably figure it out. Yes, Tzzy yells 'THIS IS SPARTA', complete with his head changing into that of old Gerard Butler. Then he suddenly turns into Spongebob, saying his stand-up routine from that 'Squirrel Jokes' episode. Oh come on, why not have Spongebob do the Sparta routine then?  It would make sense for him. It's his name in the title, so why, when we're not focussing on Hercules, are we focussing on Fidget?

Icky then comes to his cousin's rescue, somehow beating up the residents of Thebes using only his legs. Icky is praised for protecting his cousin, but Fidget asks why Icky gets praise and he BECAUSE ICKY DIDN'T GET A BABY ALMOST MURDERED.

Now time for the rock rescue/Hydra scene, but not before the Louge's van – or Sam and Max's paddy wagon -  gets swallowed up by the crowd. Oh and when Max tosses some flowers, a guy steals them. Nice joke, but some subtitles are added that have the guy say his wife will be pleased. Now was that necessary? It added nothing to the joke, it clogged up the scene...huuh. And the Digimon guys try to hitch a ride. And despite there being chariots in an earlier scene, now there are cars.

Then there are some wacky hijinx as Sam and Max try to retrieve their pad...the van. Oh, Sam and Max. Revel in the good writing.

PART NINE
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Okay, now we can have the rock rescue and the Hydra battle. When Pain and Panic turn back, we see Etemon force some little creatures to work some controls. So, I guess the Hydra is a robot now? No, it's just to control some music that plays as the Hydra enters. I don't know why you're singing your own praises, Etemon, it's the Hydra that Hercules is fighting, not you.

So the Hydra battle now has Sephiroth music playing. Not what I would have chosen, but fitting enough. And Hiccup says 'We're dead' twice. A hallmark of this series is redundancy and repeating stuff is something this series does a lot and unnecessary repetition is something Spongebob and Friends does often.

And when it looks like Hercules is done for, PAGLIACHI PLAYS. That's right. But he survives and the story continues, much to the disappointment of the villains. Facilier suggests to Hades to turn to his friends on the other side for help. So yeah, we're gonna get that scene again.

The 'Zero to Hero' number plays with no changes whatsoever. We can break up the flow of the 'Gospel Truth' bit and have subtitles over the Oscar-bait song, but don't mess with the only song people remember from this movie.

What did I tell ya? It's the scene where Facilier talks to his 'friends', just like with Camelot and Wonderland. This time, Facilier is summoning Maleficent and Fagin – not the Charles Dickens character, some character from some Danish animated film. Turns out Phil is holding a 'Festival of Heroes' and Facilier wants to ruin it. What is this Festival of Heroes, you may ask?

It's...Kingdom Hearts footage. Oh fuck no. No no no. More Let's Play crap. Cutscenes and gameplay from Kingdom Hearts with unreadable text. Gaah.

PART TEN
Is more LP crap, so I'm not linking it.

PART ELEVEN
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So the festival gets cancelled due to Heartless attacks, and Hades is stuck with Maleficent and Fagin. Enough LP shit, onto the movie shit. Hades is pissed that Hercules is defeating him, and thus tortures Pain and Panic for buying Hercules merchandise. Understandable; wearing a '20% cooler' shirt in public can get you some scorn. That swanky music plays again as Hades tries to get Meg to cooperate, and of course, drowns out the dialogue. I can barely hear them.

Then onto Hercules and the Louge meeting up with Statue Zeus. Hercules explains his conquests – not those types of conquests, this is a family programme – and the Louge kiss his ass. And when Zeus says Herc isn't ready, Krabs gets mad and claims Herc's been bamboozled. What a scandal! Zeus, lying to his own son. As if he hasn't already got a lot of dirty laundry.

Hercules notes that he's become famous, and Squidward notes that he and the rest of the Squad can't waste time with Hercules. You've already wasted eighteen years with him, you can waste a little more. And Shifu agrees with that sentiment, as he says he and the Louge will make Herc a true hero, even though Zeus said Herc had to find it out for himself.

Then Herc is in his villa, and we learn the hyenas aren't here because they're on vacation. I like to think that's a codeword that they're in prison because they're villains and all. So Herc mopes about not getting closer to Olympus, right before some fangirls tear him apart. Then Phil leads the fangirls away, and Meg makes her move. As she does, Fidget talks to her with his magic text. Fidget begs her to leave, but she doesn't listen, because he's a 'pipsquick'. Well, with the strange focus on the little runt, I'm glad that Fidget is getting abused.

And I'm glad to see him bugger off, too. He's going to get some pocket pitas, he says. I could go for some too. Screw this, I'm gonna get me some munchies....crap, I have to continue towards the end, don't I? Okay...

Then we see Fidget on a photo of a pocket pita. Then he screams for some reason. Was it because he realised Meg was bad news? He didn't have a fork? He doesn't like the role he's been given? He's mad about the Conservative mayor being re-elected? I dunno.

Before we can find out, time for the Meg and Herc love scene where Meg tries to learn Hercules' weaknesses. I find Herc saying 'I will never hurt you' funny in the context of how his mythological forebear acted. Then there comes Phil and the Louge to break up those two wacky kids. Fidget pipes up, but doesn't explain why he screamed. And Shifu tells him to be quiet for the rest of the night. Good on ya, you red panda thing you.

PART TWELVE
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Hades enquires about Herc's weakness, and the Atlantis guy speculates it might be that he's 'Diabedic'. Oh god, if only that were the case. Then the final showdown would be fought with candy shoved down Herc's mouth...wait, that sounds like this fanfic I read ([link]).

Phil and Kaa, yes Kaa, overhear Hades speaking to Meg, and Kaa has not one, but two wacky episodes with his tail getting caught in bamboo. Because bamboo grows in Greece. Anyway, Maleficent appears and gets her minions to tie down Meg. Hey, you know, I think Hades could go take a breather, considering these Disney villains could very well carry out his plans for him. So with Meg tiHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. In order to show Meg tied up, Scroopfan took some clipart of her and doodled a Groucho moustache and a stretched table on her. That's....it's...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *slaps self*.

At the coliseum where Herc is training, the Shell Louge are all worried about Meg's alliance with the Villain Leage. Not because the world is doomed, but because Shifu will give Fidget a good talking to. Devon points out that if Shifu finds out, Fidget will be banished from the Louge. I think, if he helped an evil plan to succeed, that would be the least of his worries. Or is he going to get the same level of punishment Rupert Murdoch is getting?

Yeah, Shifu finds out about Meg, and casts Fidget out of the Louge, so the bat hops off along with Phil. Good riddance, I say. You've got monsters and Kung Fu fighters, what good's a one-legged insane bat?

Then come the bad guys and an epic battle occurs. And by that, I mean the fight the Furious Five have with Tai Lung in Kung Fu Panda. Then Maleficent and Fagin appear and the Atlantis guy sings some weird song and Etemon traps those Digimon twats.

FINALE PART ONE (He's still naming them like that)
[link]

Oh, I was waiting for Miguel and Tulio's girly scream.

The Queen of Hearts also appears, and there's even a bit of 'Queen of Mean'. Oh nice. Oh wait, did I say a 'bit'? I meant 'the whole damn song'. Come on, get with the evil plot already.

And get on with it they do. Hades makes the deal to Herc, he has to lose his strength in exchange for Meg's safety, as Hades would say, 'yadda yadda yadda'. And when Hercules takes the deal, Facilier does a bit of his number. THIS MOVIE HAS ENOUGH NUMBERS...maybe they're so evil, they torture the audience.

So Hades' plan is coming together, and Etemon unleashed some monsters onto the city for the Louge –or Louge-brains, as he calls them - to fight. And the baddies have the map too. Hiss berates Max for hiding it in the couch...wait, they brought a sofa with them? I would use a 'wah wah wah' but I don't have to – the video does it for me. Ha ha, the world is doomed.

Then we get ANOTHER FUCKING NUMBER. It's a good one though: Hades' number about taking over from the Hercules TV series. Oh, and Fidget is planning on stealing the map back, so now I have to bear some more seconds infested with him.

After Hades' awesome number, the little winged rodent takes back the map, but he gets caught. Tai Lung wants Fidget to work for Ratigan again; I don't know why Ratigan would want him, but I don't know much about the criminal mind. I also don't know why Tigress would want to save Fidget, but there she goes.

So Hades unleashes the Titans and...do you like 'wah wahs'? Cos Scroopfan added one when the Titans went the wrong way. And Facilier comments on how dumb the Titans are. In the original movie, that joke was pretty funny, but it's not if it's constantly emphasised like this.

So Cyclops and a resurrected Hydra and a stone lion and a big dragon are tearing up the city. And Herc has no strength so he's getting wailed on pretty bad. But never fear! Sam and Max have an old friend they can bring. I hope it isn't that 'Friend for Life' guy.

PART FOURTEEN (fuck finale)
[link]

So, it's the 'big epic battle' bit now, meaning it's just a montage of fight scenes from animated movies. Miguel and Tulio fight the giant cat, Hiccup and co fight the giant dragon. When Phil goes to talk to Herc, it suddenly changes to Kingdom Hearts. Does this mean more LP stuff? You bet your very being it does.

GET ONTA THE HYDRA'S BACK GET ONTA THE HYDRA'S BACK GET ONTA THE HYDRA'S BACK

What was the friend Sam and Max wanted to bring? Why, a giant robot Max of course, which they use to vanquish the Cyclops. Don't they have Ginormica on the team? Meg sacrifices herself, and after getting yelled at by Sora (the one who is the gender that is stereotypically associated with pink) agrees to save Fidget from the baddies.

PART FIFTEEN
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The EPIC BATTAL continues with the Louge planning their moves, and the heroes storming into Olympus. Not only does Hercules zoom in, but so do some flying Atlantis wotsits that zap stuff. Miguel and Tulio fight the cat some more. Robin Hood appears from nowhere to fight John's mezzzz...

PART SIXTEEN
[link]

Zzzzzzzz

PART SEVENTEEN
[link]

Eh, what? Fidget's arc is progressing? Oh, the Leage are trying to make him evil again, so he tries...bad stand-up comedy? And...running in place? Oh, but Batty Koda comes to save the day by beating up Fagin and Po beats up Tai Lung and there's some more fights and shit I don't really care.

PART EIGHTEEN
[link]

Oh, still fighting the bad guys. Oh, and they had that 'Queen of Hearts beats Spyro and they think he's dead scene' from Wonderland again, and it's just as hilariously bad as it was the first time.

Back to Hercules. He defeats the Titans and all that and the villains retreat. Time for some reaction shots. Meg dies and we get some weird sappy song playing while the Lougers all look sad. But thanks to Sora (the one referred to as 'she'), Hercules and the others are inspired to break into the Underworld to save Meg's soul.

And Hercules does.

But he doesn't throw Hades into the River Styx. No, the Mad Hatter and the March Hare do that. Hey, I'm cool with anything that makes Lewis Carroll characters look like badasses. And as Hades is flushed down, Pain and Panic decide to run the Underworld themselves. Not Mirage or...hey, where was Mirage throughout all this? She has a song and dance at the beginning and does shit for the rest of the movie. Don't blame her for not wanting in though.

Oh, and there's another little message from the creator. The Hatter and Hare harmed Hades and not the White Rabbit. Nice to know.

And Shifu apologises to Fidget. Greeat.

So Herc and the Louge are now on Olympus. Oh, and remember how I said it was odd Sam and Max already met Zeus and he was different from the Disney version? Well, the Sam and Max Zeus is here with the Disney Zeus. They're cousins. And he makes Sam and Max gods. Yeah, I guess more 'god energy' to keep the worlds at peace. Or maybe it's so Herc can be mortal again and the god energy levels can be kept at a good balance. But if mortals could be made gods, why don't they make Meg a god so she can join Herc...oh forget it, this is almost over.

LAST PART LAST PART
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Herc is welcomed back into Olympus and Meg leaves. What? They have gods that could make you a god. And, as the Shell Louge showed, mortals can just waltz onto Mount Olympus no problem. Still, Hercules is willing to throw the world into turmoil by giving up his god energy. Icky even cries (in text) about it, but he's told to shut up.

Oh wait, I guess the gods still have Hercules' god energy, and they use it to create a constellation. Not something of any use against future attacks, but something perdy to look up at at night. So, big song and dance party, the day is saved and all that jazz.

But...

The Louge are called to the temple by Ignitus – that dragon thing that appeared in Robin Hood - for a new rule to be made for the squad. He also says the Louge need someone to help exercise them, someone with training expertise. So, I guess Pegasus is joining the gang. Oh wait, it's Phil.

Meanwhile, Pain and Panic are trying to run the Underworld. Pain wants a 'Cazino and bed and breakfast'. Ba-dum-tish.

Then, all of a sudden...the goblin from The Black Cauldron. He wants Pain and Panic to join a travelling crew he's making. So Pain and Panic tell him they have the Chronos stone, and they perform a number from the TV show about it.

So...WHAT THE FUCK? Seriously, what the hell was all that? Why was Fidget given so much focus? Why did Mirage appear at the beginning if she was going to do fuck all? Why constantly reuse scenes and clips? Sure, it has shades of the epic lunacy that made me love Camelot but....ugggggh. This is why I haven't looked at one of these in a while, and it'll likely be a while before I look at another one. Or an eternity.